Inception

My goodness, today I had the sincere pleasure of indulging withinwhich the pleasure to watch Inception, a movie in which Jack Dicaprio ventures throughout his mind, eventually playing dreidle with his children. If you would like to read the rest of this weblog posting, click here.

iZZy mcfiZZy

My deer, elk, antelope and otherwise readers,

Today brings us a spatial occasion. Today is the day of birth of one of my very most deer friend (although she is of the human variety). Today is the birthday of iZZy mcfiZZy.

iZZy mcfiZZy is a friend of mine and has been for most of all of her life, which is today 31 years. iZZy is a canine orthodontist, and I wish her a very merry birthday indeed.

In this web-log posting, I will include a sum of some things that I do hope will make her day better and more able to be enjoyed, and as well as a few things that will make her happy.

First, I give her this coupon, to be redeemed at any time.
COUPON: 1 (one) (I) (uno) FREE (that is, without cost) CAT FRUITCAKE. This fruitcake will be made of these ingredients:
tooti frooti bubble gum
cat hair (for the texture)
sugar
and maraschino cherries.

Secondly, I give her this following image:

This dog is one after mine own heart, as seeing as she is nearly quite as beautiful as I.

Thirdly, I give her this image of a dog which she has previously treated. This dog finished treatment and is now living in Timbuctoo, though he is flying in to wish his dear old friend iZZy a birthday visit.

iZZy, I wish you a very happy birthday, and I hope that it is merry, joyful, and fun.

p.s. iZZy, thanks to your advice, which I have taken, my cats are now regularly following dental hygenical practices.

Mice, or more pacifically, mouse

Dear readers, observers, followers, scanners, skimmers, and elsewise,
It has come to my attentiveness that that thing with which you control whereupon you click upon the computer screen is called a "Mouse." This is disturbing for several reasons, which I will elegantly elaborate on below.

Firstly, for any feline users of the computer, it is quite offensive to be using a food item to navigation the vast boards of the internwebs! For instantatious, how would you feel to be handed a fruitcake and told to use it to maneuver through the on-line Wide Wiggly Web?

Lastly, it is quite difficult to use a mouse on the computer! It is very squirmy, and difficult to make it do anything like you would like it to do.

And finally, they are quite difficult to upkeep! I have gone through about sixteen mice within the last five days or suchwise, and my cats continue to eat them! I find this entirely irresponsible, and it must stop soonwise. I am becoming quite overrun with cats and mice and I have had quite enough.

Dear readers (and suchlike else as you might prefer to be known), I feel that this is a trend that must end. Please, we can together end the horror that is beginning to creep upon us.

Thank you.

Most Sinful Celery,
Minerva Giderva the IIIrd
Keeper of Cats, Baker of Fruitcake, and Lawnmower Extraordinaire

Artwork Much Improved

I recently was able to discover this "link", owing greatly to a friend of mine. I will post it below, forthwith, and you can click upon it with a mouse. (In a weblog posting following this one, I will elaborate upon the insignificancy and wrongness of the title "mouse", but that shall come later.)

Artwork Much Improved

In my opinionated ideas, these "artworks" are completed and greatly bettered with the addition of feline splendor. I certainly hope you agree with me!

"Dear Nerva"

I recently re-discovered this letter again, reading forthwith:

Dear “Nerva”: Excellent advice! I'm hoping you can help me, too. My cat and I faithfully read your blog web biannually. Whoever, we have a problem in that my feline friend has become quite jealous of a certain mustachioed kitty whose photo graces your site. My cat very much wishes to immolate this highly dapper fellow, but he has no ‘stache. How do we resolve this “hairy” situation? (Get it? Hairy!) Thanks, Your Biggest Fans

Oh my! I appearance to have two to three secret admirerers, in the form of My Biggest Fans! A mysterious event, indeed...but excuse me, I digest.

Well, the problem/issue brought to me to be resolved today, is that my Biggest Fan's cat is jealous of a certain cat, namely, the following:

I can quite see why any cat would wish to immolate him! He is, indeed, dapper, with a mouse-tache that is the envy of all. For the sake of simplicity, and privacy, we will all this dashing creature "Horatio."

My Biggest Fans also sent me a picture of his cat, the cat mentioned in the above missile that addresses this issue. The picture is:

We shall call this cat "Bob." He clearly yearns to be just like his hero, Horatio, but clearly his facial-hair growth is not, precisely, up to catscratch. My advice, however, will solve all such problems.

You see, what Bob wants is a mousestache. So, my recommendation is to give it to him in a way that he will be sure to depreciate. And what way is that? Oh, friends, read on.

As a quick recap: Horatio has a mouse-stache. Bob wants a mouse-stache. So, the conclusion?

Give Bob a mouse-stache! There are two options: the milk "mouse-stache," pictured below:

(The above is a rendition of what Bob would appear to look like if he donned the milk mouse-stache apparel)

The other option, of course, is the more traditional mouse-stache, pictured beneath:

While it may be a little obvious, the mouse-stache works wonders on a cat's self-esteem. (Note: mouse must be replenished often).

Well, my biggest fans, I do hope that you have found this web-log posting helpful, and I wish Bob best of luck developing his mouse-stache!

My Telephone Call To "Dave Ramsey"

Perhaps some of you, my readers, have heard of "Dave Ramsey," who has a radio-talk-show, which is a show on the radio that he talks on. He is a "money-planner," which means that he "plans money." Well, I have had some pressuring concerns in this area, concerns that were recently obliterated when my debt was likewise taken care of; and, as he celebratories those people who have paid off their debt and dues, I thought to myself, "Self," I thought, "there is no better way to celebratory the ending of financial ruination than by calling this radio-talk-show and announcing to one, all, and the world, that I myself am free of all debt!" And so, thusfollowing, is a transcription of my telephone call.

Dave: Hello, this is Dave Ramsey here at Financial Peace Plaza, I have on the line with me ... um ... Minerva Giderva from Austin, Texas; Minerva, how are you doing today?

Minerva: Well, hello and salutatory, Dave Ramsey! I am calling precisely because I am doing quite well, indeed, and I shall soon share with you exactly the reason for this general good spirits!

D: Um, that's good, Minerva ... so, how can I help you?

M: Well ... it's kind of a long story with no regard to time, so I do hope you are sitting down, because --

D: Um, Minerva, sorry to interrupt, but just so you know there is a time constraint so we ask you to please keep your calls brief and to the point so we will be able to address other calls as well.

M: Well, I was getting to that briefly! As I was saying ... where was I? Ah, yes, my congratulatory actions! You see, it all began when the summer I was eleven ... or was it twelve? Or perhaps I was nine, when I first was turned onto the paths of felines, such that --

D: So, Minerva, why exactly did you call today?

M: Well, you see, I have recently become DEBTICATION-FREE!

D: Um ... that's great! How much debt have you paid off?

M: It all started three weeks ago, when I was sitting near my kitchen table -- my kitchen table, oddly enough, because ordinaryilly I would have been sitting at my dining table, which is in the next room over, because that is where I keep the (excuse my language) litter boxes. My cat Mopsy, a lovely little kitten of about six years, was sitting in my lap and I was petting her head when suddenly she began to mew. It sounded like --

D: So what was the debt that you paid off?

M: -- and then of course I realized that she was hungry! But underfortunately, I was all out of artichoke-salmonella fruitcake, which is my speciality, you know, and there simply wasn't time to make another! Well, there was only one thing reminiscient to do, and that was to get to the store. So that is what I did! I put Mopsy in my tote bag, slung her over my shoulder, and whizzed out to the store.

D: Minerva, we are running short of time so I will need you to --

M: Oh, goodness, I am simply de-tailing the most excitable part! Where was I? Oh goodness, I believe I have forgotten, and so because of your interrupture, we are actually worse than when we begun! Anywhichway, when I got to the store I rolled up and down the aisles until I found what I was looking for: two cans of anchovy sauce, three sausages, a pizza crust, a banana, and a can of cat food (for my afternoon snack you know) and then I went up to the registrationer to pay for the total. Well, the totally came to six dollars and three cents, but I only had brought with me six dollars! Now, as you can imagine, I was quite under-helmed at this news, but I --

Automated Voice: Hello, and thank you for calling Dave Ramsey. We regret to inform you that we have cut short your phone call. Have a nice day!

M: -- I glanced over and there, on the counter, was a "Take A Penny - Leave A Penny" jar! As I'm sure you can imagination, my relief was imminent! So I took the three pennies and purchased my food, and then went upon my way. After returning home, however, I realized to my immense dissatisfaction that, althoughforthwith I had taken a penny (or three pennies to be precisely), I had neglected to leave a penny! My horror was great, as I was assure that my credit would now be in ruination. So, I immediate left to the store, and when I arrived I walked carefully into such the store, and I saw that no one was near. I walked up to the counter and with sweaty palms -- I left three pennies! Grately relievified, I promptily exited the store, and then walked straight home to call you and explain my enormouse relief! So, I am sure that you will be just as pleasured as I at this great news, of myself becoming DEBT-FREE! ...Hello? Dave? Hello? Oh goodness, the line was cut short, I had better call again. Goodbye!

"Dear Nerva"

This typo was founded in my "comments" by me, and it was sent by a dear friend, Izzy McFizzy. I quitely hope that this letter, and the response that it produces by via of me, shall be of help and assistance.

Dearest erva,

I must humbubly ask your advice on a most serious matter. It may be a life or death situation for my poor carpet. My feline cat Kootsy has become kwite lonley. He loves ripping out the carpet mostly on the upperstory of my house. do you have any suggestions on how to stop this behavior? I don't know if it has any thing to do with his lonelyousness or if it mearly an out put of self expresion.

Insanely,

Izzy mcfizzy 

Well, quite clearly this is problem! Obviousitrocity, Kootsy is desirous of having the area that he has chosen as his home without carpet. This is called by those of my professionality as "excessive home-remodelation disorder." I suggest the following stepstools for you to follow after:

1. Re-organdize the upperstory of your lovely home into a more homely atmospheric, suchlike that the cat Kootsy might be more persuadable to not rip the carpet. 

2. If the behavioral continuities, remove all such carpet and otherwise from the upperstory. 

3. If this solutable does not work, then very carefully sit down with Kootsy and talk with him, so that he may understand your feelings. Your conversation might go something like this:

You: Kootsy, I understand that you might be slightly lonely in your solitude. Is this correct?

Kootsy: MROOW [at this point in the conversation, you should begin to take notes, to better understand his feelings and to be able to study further at a later notice) 

You: Kootsy, I understand. I feel greatly for you. Is there anything I can do for you?

Kootsy: purrpurr

You: Oh, Kootsy, I'm so sorry. 

Kootsy: mew?

You: Kootsy, of course. I will do anything for you. 

Kootsy: meooow

You: Oh goodness, Kootsy, I had no idea! Of course I will, immediately! 

Kootsy: (scratching)

You: Darling Kootsy, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. I will do everything within my possibilities to make your life better. 

Kootsy: (walks away)

You: Oh, Kootsykitty, I am so glad that we have had this opportune to get to know each other better!

At this point, you may wish to review your notes of the conversation, and, quite immediately, begin to do as he has said. 

Hopefully this has been of helpfulness to both Izzy, Kootsy, and my faithfulsome readers!