"Dear Nerva"

I recently re-discovered this letter again, reading forthwith:

Dear “Nerva”: Excellent advice! I'm hoping you can help me, too. My cat and I faithfully read your blog web biannually. Whoever, we have a problem in that my feline friend has become quite jealous of a certain mustachioed kitty whose photo graces your site. My cat very much wishes to immolate this highly dapper fellow, but he has no ‘stache. How do we resolve this “hairy” situation? (Get it? Hairy!) Thanks, Your Biggest Fans

Oh my! I appearance to have two to three secret admirerers, in the form of My Biggest Fans! A mysterious event, indeed...but excuse me, I digest.

Well, the problem/issue brought to me to be resolved today, is that my Biggest Fan's cat is jealous of a certain cat, namely, the following:

I can quite see why any cat would wish to immolate him! He is, indeed, dapper, with a mouse-tache that is the envy of all. For the sake of simplicity, and privacy, we will all this dashing creature "Horatio."

My Biggest Fans also sent me a picture of his cat, the cat mentioned in the above missile that addresses this issue. The picture is:

We shall call this cat "Bob." He clearly yearns to be just like his hero, Horatio, but clearly his facial-hair growth is not, precisely, up to catscratch. My advice, however, will solve all such problems.

You see, what Bob wants is a mousestache. So, my recommendation is to give it to him in a way that he will be sure to depreciate. And what way is that? Oh, friends, read on.

As a quick recap: Horatio has a mouse-stache. Bob wants a mouse-stache. So, the conclusion?

Give Bob a mouse-stache! There are two options: the milk "mouse-stache," pictured below:

(The above is a rendition of what Bob would appear to look like if he donned the milk mouse-stache apparel)

The other option, of course, is the more traditional mouse-stache, pictured beneath:

While it may be a little obvious, the mouse-stache works wonders on a cat's self-esteem. (Note: mouse must be replenished often).

Well, my biggest fans, I do hope that you have found this web-log posting helpful, and I wish Bob best of luck developing his mouse-stache!

My Telephone Call To "Dave Ramsey"

Perhaps some of you, my readers, have heard of "Dave Ramsey," who has a radio-talk-show, which is a show on the radio that he talks on. He is a "money-planner," which means that he "plans money." Well, I have had some pressuring concerns in this area, concerns that were recently obliterated when my debt was likewise taken care of; and, as he celebratories those people who have paid off their debt and dues, I thought to myself, "Self," I thought, "there is no better way to celebratory the ending of financial ruination than by calling this radio-talk-show and announcing to one, all, and the world, that I myself am free of all debt!" And so, thusfollowing, is a transcription of my telephone call.

Dave: Hello, this is Dave Ramsey here at Financial Peace Plaza, I have on the line with me ... um ... Minerva Giderva from Austin, Texas; Minerva, how are you doing today?

Minerva: Well, hello and salutatory, Dave Ramsey! I am calling precisely because I am doing quite well, indeed, and I shall soon share with you exactly the reason for this general good spirits!

D: Um, that's good, Minerva ... so, how can I help you?

M: Well ... it's kind of a long story with no regard to time, so I do hope you are sitting down, because --

D: Um, Minerva, sorry to interrupt, but just so you know there is a time constraint so we ask you to please keep your calls brief and to the point so we will be able to address other calls as well.

M: Well, I was getting to that briefly! As I was saying ... where was I? Ah, yes, my congratulatory actions! You see, it all began when the summer I was eleven ... or was it twelve? Or perhaps I was nine, when I first was turned onto the paths of felines, such that --

D: So, Minerva, why exactly did you call today?

M: Well, you see, I have recently become DEBTICATION-FREE!

D: Um ... that's great! How much debt have you paid off?

M: It all started three weeks ago, when I was sitting near my kitchen table -- my kitchen table, oddly enough, because ordinaryilly I would have been sitting at my dining table, which is in the next room over, because that is where I keep the (excuse my language) litter boxes. My cat Mopsy, a lovely little kitten of about six years, was sitting in my lap and I was petting her head when suddenly she began to mew. It sounded like --

D: So what was the debt that you paid off?

M: -- and then of course I realized that she was hungry! But underfortunately, I was all out of artichoke-salmonella fruitcake, which is my speciality, you know, and there simply wasn't time to make another! Well, there was only one thing reminiscient to do, and that was to get to the store. So that is what I did! I put Mopsy in my tote bag, slung her over my shoulder, and whizzed out to the store.

D: Minerva, we are running short of time so I will need you to --

M: Oh, goodness, I am simply de-tailing the most excitable part! Where was I? Oh goodness, I believe I have forgotten, and so because of your interrupture, we are actually worse than when we begun! Anywhichway, when I got to the store I rolled up and down the aisles until I found what I was looking for: two cans of anchovy sauce, three sausages, a pizza crust, a banana, and a can of cat food (for my afternoon snack you know) and then I went up to the registrationer to pay for the total. Well, the totally came to six dollars and three cents, but I only had brought with me six dollars! Now, as you can imagine, I was quite under-helmed at this news, but I --

Automated Voice: Hello, and thank you for calling Dave Ramsey. We regret to inform you that we have cut short your phone call. Have a nice day!

M: -- I glanced over and there, on the counter, was a "Take A Penny - Leave A Penny" jar! As I'm sure you can imagination, my relief was imminent! So I took the three pennies and purchased my food, and then went upon my way. After returning home, however, I realized to my immense dissatisfaction that, althoughforthwith I had taken a penny (or three pennies to be precisely), I had neglected to leave a penny! My horror was great, as I was assure that my credit would now be in ruination. So, I immediate left to the store, and when I arrived I walked carefully into such the store, and I saw that no one was near. I walked up to the counter and with sweaty palms -- I left three pennies! Grately relievified, I promptily exited the store, and then walked straight home to call you and explain my enormouse relief! So, I am sure that you will be just as pleasured as I at this great news, of myself becoming DEBT-FREE! ...Hello? Dave? Hello? Oh goodness, the line was cut short, I had better call again. Goodbye!

"Dear Nerva"

This typo was founded in my "comments" by me, and it was sent by a dear friend, Izzy McFizzy. I quitely hope that this letter, and the response that it produces by via of me, shall be of help and assistance.

Dearest erva,

I must humbubly ask your advice on a most serious matter. It may be a life or death situation for my poor carpet. My feline cat Kootsy has become kwite lonley. He loves ripping out the carpet mostly on the upperstory of my house. do you have any suggestions on how to stop this behavior? I don't know if it has any thing to do with his lonelyousness or if it mearly an out put of self expresion.

Insanely,

Izzy mcfizzy 

Well, quite clearly this is problem! Obviousitrocity, Kootsy is desirous of having the area that he has chosen as his home without carpet. This is called by those of my professionality as "excessive home-remodelation disorder." I suggest the following stepstools for you to follow after:

1. Re-organdize the upperstory of your lovely home into a more homely atmospheric, suchlike that the cat Kootsy might be more persuadable to not rip the carpet. 

2. If the behavioral continuities, remove all such carpet and otherwise from the upperstory. 

3. If this solutable does not work, then very carefully sit down with Kootsy and talk with him, so that he may understand your feelings. Your conversation might go something like this:

You: Kootsy, I understand that you might be slightly lonely in your solitude. Is this correct?

Kootsy: MROOW [at this point in the conversation, you should begin to take notes, to better understand his feelings and to be able to study further at a later notice) 

You: Kootsy, I understand. I feel greatly for you. Is there anything I can do for you?

Kootsy: purrpurr

You: Oh, Kootsy, I'm so sorry. 

Kootsy: mew?

You: Kootsy, of course. I will do anything for you. 

Kootsy: meooow

You: Oh goodness, Kootsy, I had no idea! Of course I will, immediately! 

Kootsy: (scratching)

You: Darling Kootsy, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. I will do everything within my possibilities to make your life better. 

Kootsy: (walks away)

You: Oh, Kootsykitty, I am so glad that we have had this opportune to get to know each other better!

At this point, you may wish to review your notes of the conversation, and, quite immediately, begin to do as he has said. 

Hopefully this has been of helpfulness to both Izzy, Kootsy, and my faithfulsome readers! 

Salmonella Fruitcake

Hello, and welcome to my fruitcake recipe web-log posting! In this web-log posting, I will be de-tailing the making of this cullinary masterpiece.


To begin, assemblen the following ingredients:
Flour (about 2 3/8 cups or so)
"Betty Crocker" cake mixture
3 lb. butter (lb. = large bits)
6 dozen eggs
2 pints salmonella (it is a kind of fish)

Mix together the above following ingredients in the microwave until black. Add milk until mixture resembles the consistency of a  squished sea slug.

Top with maraschino cherries and sweet gherkins. Enjoyment!!!

i do indeed hope that you find this reciprical good!

"Dear Nerva"

This following missile was given to me by via of electro-mail, again from my friend Libbee.

Dear Nerva,
It has come to my notice that my other cat, Pyia, has been having some issues with socializationing.  As I am only a psychologist and sociologist for rats, and there are some problemish things that I cannot fix!  Please help Pyia -- she never comes out of her bedroom (the catroom cabinet, other times foolishly known as the bathroom cabinet) and has an immortal terror towards the general public of people.  I would like her to be more friendly and outgoing, as I believe many of my dear rats love her because of her beautiful face and hope one day to relationship her.  However, this will never happen if she continues to have these fears.  Please help as soon as possible, this is getting to be urgently serious.
Much love,
Libbee Tribleea and the Rat Gang 

This is, indeed, a most troublifying issue. I would suggest using the following method, namely, that you do as I instruct you forthwith to do. 

The cat, Pyia (as always, the name of the feline animal in query has been changed to prevent any misconstruety), is, as has been stated, shy of the rat population. This is likely caused by the event of a draumatic experience in the cat's childhood, which led onward for the cat to become an individual in adulthood who still was being terrored by the rodent population. 

The best solvalution would be for the cat to be slowly un-frightened of the vermin types, namely by exposing the cat to these creatures slowly. My favorite method is to place one rat into the cat's in-closure each day, to allow the cat and the rat to become friendly and enjoy each others' compatrionism. 

If the rat does not reappear, that is likely because the cat and rat have become such good friends that the cat does not want to relinquish friendship on her new play-mate. 

 

This feline cat is enjoying the compatrionship of her new rat friend.

Once you have given the cat many oppurnitunities to meet the rats, it is accessible to continue adding rats to the cat's home at a rate of one per hour. You may wish to encrease addition at a faster pace, at perhaps one per fifteen minutes and more. Eventuality, the cat will come out of hiding, ready to become best friends with the rats that she has been enjoying. 

I hope that this has been full of help, to Libbee and others.  

Betty Crocker

If any of my readers are personally knowing of Betty Crocker, I would greatly depreciate any attempts on their part to try to connect me with her. I have been trying for many years to come into contact with her; unfortunately, I have been unable to reach her personally.

I have a recipe for mushroom fruitcake that I am sure that she would love to have in her cookbook; sadly, most of her cookbooks are disappointmently lacking in such recipes. I hope to rightify this mistake.

I would also like her audiograph.

"Dear Nerva"

I have come to the decision to begin a weekly series of web-log postings that will address some of the issues facing today's cats. My faithful readers may leave me questions about:

1. Cats
2. Fruitcakes
3. Lawnmowers

If you place your query in the "comments" section of the blog, which can be reached by clicking the "comments" button beneath each blog post, I will do my humble best to answer each issue to the best of my facilities.

To begin, I would like to address a problem that a dear friend brought to my attention a few weeks ago. My friend, Libbee Tribbleea, has a cat named Lyra (to protect to privacy and dignity of each cat, all names have been changed). This cat is a tad on the weighty side; Libbee was rightfully concerned with the reason for it. To her inquisitions I offered up the following wisdom.

If a cat is weighty, it is because that cat is feeling un-confident of where the next food-source will emanate fromwithall. Therefollowing, you should make sure that the cat is given plenty amounts of food, and I would suggest setting full bags of cat food in every room. If your cat has a more tender digestive system, you should consider making the cat an omelet. Most cats are partial to broccoli-cheddar-mushroom-barley. You should place food on every surface and in every container; the cat will then see that it should not be worried about the plenticality of edible materials. I find that it is best to continue this extensive feeding ritual for six to eight months.

Before 

  

After

I hope that this has been useful to those of my readers with similar conditions!

A Role Model For Us All

I recently came across this cat-lover, whom I greatly respect and admire for her devotion to the catly species. She is clearly very attached to her feline companions, and I only wish that there were more of her to give the cats of the world the attention and love that they so obviously deserve. I am confidante that she will find a soulmate who, like herself, greatly adores all cats. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTTwcCVajAc

Back Again

Hello, all my faithful perusers! I know that you will not begrieve me my time away from this web-log; I was engaging in respiratory habits, in an effort to become fresh and rejuveniled. Now, however, I am back to write in this virtual area, to keep you well-informed on all of my daily activities and enjoyments.

Tried and Tested Hints

While browsing the intern-web, I came across a site with the title "Google." Upon further investigation, I discovered the following:

1. Google is a number with an indeterminate number of 0's.
2. It is also a small plastic eyeball that is often effixed to small stuffed animals or dolls

I knew that my loyal and debunked readers would be just as ecstaticised by this discovery as myself. Simply follow the below link by clicking on it, and you will come upon the house-page for this site.

http://www.google.com/ig

I hope that you find this Tried and Tested Hints post as helpful and usual as I did.

Scared Kitten

This morning as I was looking across the many files and electro-mails that fill my leg-top computer, I discovered this video-link, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MqHN-4okZ4

Clearly, this cat is frightened of the yellow circumfrencical object. As a cat psychologist, it is my humble duty to provide a way of un-enlarging that fear; namely:

1. Providing that cat with a way of expressing his or her fear of this object.

The way I propose to do this is by allowing the cat to share their feelings with the world. One of the most time-tested ways of doing this is by giving the cats materials with which they are able to show their feelings. If one of my cats seems disturbed or over the weather, I will give the cat the following materials:

1. A large strip of canvas, and/or watercolor paper
2. Non-toxic acrid paints

I then allow the feline cat to paint his or her feelings onto this canvas. Most cats only need to touch the paint once or twice before they dash away, all ill-problems cured.

Lawnmower Cat

This afternoon as I was browsing the web-net, I came across this video. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTSn6lnLqBo

I was of course horrified at the lack of carefulness displayed by Max's owners. In allowing him to ride a lawnmower, they are:

1. Allowing him to do their own household chores; namely, mowing the lawn. This is damaging to the kitty's self esteem and will ultimately end in mutual perterbation.

I know that you will feel as I do on this matter. We will soon end all cases of this sort if we work together. I ask you to please either write a missive of complaint to the owner of this cat by way of electronic means, or, as the kids say these days, use "slug mail."

I, and cats everywhere, thank you.

L. O. L. cats

I recently came upon this site for cats, namely L. O. L. cats. When doing farther research into this phenomenon, I discovered that L. O. L. stands for Licorice Over Lemonade. However, I was quite discomfited by this discovery: Licorice is of course harmful to the kitty's digestive systems.

Please visit the below link (to follow the link, click on the blue letters and wait a few moments. You will then be transported across the intern-web, and will discover the website for L. O. L. cats). Please voice your concerns (as I am sure that you feel as I do in this matter). Thank you very much.

http://lolcats.com/ 

Thank you for stopping by!

Note: I was unable to make contact with the person(s) in direction of this destructive site. I trust, however, that we shall prevail; continue to do research into this matter, and soon enough we will be able to change the antonym L. O. L. to something much more animal-friendly.

Pictures of my cats

 I just knew that you would want to see these lovely photographs of my friends. These pictures are of  Zoba and Sonny.

 Personably, this one is my favorite.

Cat

This morning as I was browsing the inter-web-net, I discovered this adorable cat.

Time Capsule

This morning in my backyard I buried a time capsule, into which I placed:

1. 2 (two) famous award-winning cherry-peach fruitcakes
2. A picture of my cats
3. A rock

I hope that these objects will become of use, in identifying my way of life, to my posterior and those who come after me. 

About Myself

I am Minerva Giderva the IIIrd, and this is my web-log which I have created with the ideal of edificating the young people and elders of today, which I will hopefully be able to do, by exemplifying portions of my life. 

I currently have seven cats, and though I would never have a favorite (for fear of damaging their psychological well-health), if forced, I would perhaps state Zoba and Betsy, who are respectably Siamese and tabby.

Other than my cats, I also have several collections. My collections include:
1. Snow globes
2. Paperclips
3. Post-it notes

If anyone should happen to come across any of these objects, they should please mail them to me.